I received this email from a friend and wanted to warn you fellas,
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary & I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The
effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing & pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button & pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back & forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions & thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) & thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, & tazer in another. The directions said that a 1-second burst would shock & disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms & a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really & (loaded with
2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it moron,' reasoning that a 1-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, & ....... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
....WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over & over & over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs? The cat
was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a 1-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A 3-second burst
would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down & about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh & both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, &
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure & my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts & I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S...My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, & now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary & I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The
effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device & brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing & pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button & pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the
blue arc of electricity darting back & forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this
new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions & thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) & thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts & a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, & tazer in another. The directions said that a 1-second burst would shock & disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms & a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really & (loaded with
2 itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it moron,' reasoning that a 1-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a 1-second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, & ....... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
....WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over & over & over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, & tingling in my legs? The cat
was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a 1-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A 3-second burst
would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up &
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down & about 8 feet or so
from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh & both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, &
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure & my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts & I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S...My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, & now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
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