OT: Need a laugh??
- Thread starter Woodstock
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BoomerD
Well-Known Member
There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane.
About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."
About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the intercom again and say "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late arriving at our destination."
The blonde turns to the man and says "Man if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
About 1 hr. into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the intercom, "One of our four engines is out, we will be about fifteen minutes late arriving."
About 30 min. later the pilot comes on the intercom again and say "There is a second engine out, we will be about 30 min. late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm sorry to say that there is a third engine out, we'll be about 1 hr. late arriving at our destination."
The blonde turns to the man and says "Man if that forth engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."
BoomerD
Well-Known Member
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck....pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man.... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California....and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life and it is not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
The new guy was an absolute wreck....pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man.... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California....and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life and it is not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
Witfull
Well-Known Member
Are you a professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all four questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all four questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."
"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."
"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."
HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"
SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
fidojoe
Fish Addict
Ohh, thats just wrong. ROFLMAO!!!
So a blonde walks into an electronics store, and tells the salesman that she wants to purchase a particular TV. He responds, "Sorry miss, we don't sell to blondes."
She got frustrated and walked out. When she got home she colored her hair red, went back to the store and found a different salesman. She told him she wants that TV. Same answer, "Sorry miss, we don't sell to blondes."
She went home changed her hair color and tried again, several times. Every time regardless of hair color she got the same answer. So she finally asked the last salesman why. He simply responded, "Thats not a TV, its a microwave."
So a blonde walks into an electronics store, and tells the salesman that she wants to purchase a particular TV. He responds, "Sorry miss, we don't sell to blondes."
She got frustrated and walked out. When she got home she colored her hair red, went back to the store and found a different salesman. She told him she wants that TV. Same answer, "Sorry miss, we don't sell to blondes."
She went home changed her hair color and tried again, several times. Every time regardless of hair color she got the same answer. So she finally asked the last salesman why. He simply responded, "Thats not a TV, its a microwave."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "NASCAR."
And they say blondes are dumb...
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "NASCAR."
And they say blondes are dumb...
Witfull
Well-Known Member
An blonde woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more blondes came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more blondes came in and one of them had a "Barney" puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours, 15 minutes, and it says 2-3 years."