Okay.....This is how my day started....
I'm a bartender at a large Concert nightclub here in St louis, (The Pageant). it also has a 3 am liquor license...(which means I'm usually bartending until 4:30 am or so ), and I didnt get any sleep until about 5 am this morning. My girlfriend woke me up @ 10 am, saying that the dog was acting strange. Tyler, (87 lb lab/shepard/chow mix) was running to a specific window, looking up at it, and whining. He wouldnt go outside, just ran straight to the window. I get up, stagger to the window in my boxers, and pull back the blinds to see whats got the dog all riled up. A squirrel is hiding behind the blinds, inside the house. It looks as startled as I was, gave a sqeek, crouched down, baring its teeth in a defensive posture. I let out some early morning mishmash of startled profanity, and dropped the blinds back in place. In the background the talking heads on CNN announce that Saddam Hussein has been captured.
I must have missed the find a fugitive meeting....
Heartened by the knowledge that our brave men and women in Iraq had captured their dangerous fugitive, I prepared to assault the window sill, flanked by my ridiculously excited dog, and my even more ridiculously scared girlfriend, (What if that damn tree rat has rabies??!!!). I armed myself w/ an outsized unused fish net, a pair of thick work gloves, (those lil suckers have some wicked sharp looking teeth, at least 3 feet long each. I know, I saw every one of 'em when it bared its teeth at me!) and a large empty 40 gallon rubbermaid trashcan and lid. The plan was to drop the net over the squirrel, scoop the lil terrorist off the window sill, into the the trash can, and then banish him to the great outdoors.....we all know what happens w/ plans right?
In Slow motion.....Blinds get pulled back, net drops over surprised squirrel, squirrel freaks, squeals, (God as my witness it squealed), and begins to jump around and claw at the net, the dog lunges forward trying to get a look at the action, girlfriend screams, I go deaf. Scoop squirrel off window sill to put into trash can, squirrel pulls Jedi Knight/ Matrix kung fu move, flips out of the net, does 3 somersaults to land on the edge of the trash can, pirouettes neatly, gives me the finger, and lands gracefully on the floor.
In wicked quick time....
Squirrel dashes towards the cracked open basement door, dog barks and thunders off in pursuit, (you'd have thought we had cornered a bear in the house by the noise made by the dog), now hysterical girlfriend passes out, I realize that things arent going according to plan.
Squirrel shoulders thru door, dog barrels thru door, I take two steps towards the door, girlfriend hits floor.
Squirrel pull yet another jedi knight/ matrix move, vaults onto the hot water heater, and manuevers through the plumbing like a 14 year old russian gymnist on the uneven bars, dog crashes into several boxes en route to the water heater causing a minor avalanche of stored goods, I reach the basement door.
Squirrel reaches window which was barely open, (infiltration point) stops long enough to mock us, vow revenge, and escapes....
I'm not saying there is direct connection between Saddam and the demon squirrel. Nor am I speculating against the fact that the squirrel could have been an advance scout looking for a safe haven for Saddam. At this point in time, all leads are being followed up on. All members of the house are on a heightened security alert as a precaution against further squirrel advances.
the score:
US troops vs Saddam a success, Nick and Tyler vs squirrel a loss.
Next time I'm calling in close air support.
Stay tuned for further bulletins as events warrant,
Nick